My Story

Trigger warning – comments on suicide and self harm.

I was very lucky to grow up in a family of seven, live in the country and expand our small family farm as I got older.  I was encouraged and loved.  I was known for being bubbly, bright, hardworking, and smiley.  I was a sensitive child, I had a strong conscience and if I ignored it, I would regret it.  I cried a lot and got nervous easily.  I was also sick a lot dealing with everything from NOS seizures, tons of nosebleeds, fainting spells, and psoriasis to name a few things.

I graduated high school early and worked for a year to save up money to attend a school which I thought was perfect for me, and major in Music Therapy.  It combined all my interests and I was eager to take this step and expected success.

Technically, I have been successful.  I have gotten good grades, received many awards, developed strong friendships, and held several leadership positions. Three years into college, I was successful, but I was becoming a changed person.

February 4th, 2015.  I made the plunge to go and see a psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed with Major Depression (Recurrent), Severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia, and Panic Disorder.  I knew I had some problems and that they were getting worse (thanks to my roommate pointing this out to me) so as difficult as it was to hear this official diagnosis, in hindsight I am happy to have finally made that step. Near the end of April, I was doing pretty well until I had a really rough night.  That night spiraled into the eventual decision to abandon my summer plans, my jobs, my internship, and my poor roommate and go home.  I needed to get away and recover.  This was such a hard decision to make but as my mother and dear friends reminded me, I had to put myself first.  If I wanted to graduate, if I wanted to make it through the next five or ten or twenty years, I needed to take a break.

I took that break and came back with a vengeance. Everyone commented on how good I was doing. I slowly disintegrated throughout the year. A couple public breakdowns, several short medical leaves from school, self harm, and failures led me to April 4th, 2016. I was actively suicidal and was setting it up. Somehow I ended up talking to my mom. I told her I couldn’t do it anymore…life. She begged me to give her a chance to help. My mother and father got in the car, at 10 pm on a Sunday, and drove seven hours to take me home. I was experiencing so much turmoil, but I didn’t want my hard work that year to go to waste.

And I didn’t. I graduated with my BA in Music that December. I have been able to work for the past several years. I am a few months away from getting my MS in Psychology. I am trying. I am making it.

Has it been easy? NO. I have overdosed on medication, relapsed to my self harm addiction several times, dealt with severe, crippling suicidal ideation, experiencing hypomanic episodes, cried, gained weight from medication, changed doctors…the list goes on and on. I have scared my parents and siblings. I have begged God to kill me. But now, I am finally at a point where I am able to start seeing some of my core lie patterns and make connections that will help me long-term. I have a great counselor, a great psychiatrist, a great support system, and a great situation. I don’t know if I can make it, but I am taking it day-by-day.

I have lost count on the medications I have tried…Prozac, Effexor, Seroquel, Abilify, Latuda, Trintellix, Viibryd, and Wellbutrin. I have tried the all-natural approach with St. John’s Wort in addition to every pertinent supplement my doctor suggested. As of July 29th, I am currently taking Lamotrigine, Trazodone, Propranolol, Buspirone, Lexapro, Oxcarbazepine, and Ativan as needed. I have had some bad side effects and continue having severe depressive episodes. It is hard. However, I believe I am climbing out of my most recent, and one of my most difficult, depressive episodes.

So here I am.  This is how I got to where I am.  Yes, I made mistakes, yes I have a mental illness (several in fact), yes it is hard.  I understand how hard it is to accept your mistakes, to accept your past, to accept your illness, to keep fighting.  I have a long way to go before I am “healthy” but I think this blog will help me remain on that journey and I hope I can help others who are struggling as well.  I know I was appreciative to read blogs, visit Facebook pages, or email someone to talk to during the hard days.  I encourage you to leave your thoughts, ideas, and stories.  I am still working on accepting my past, but I think the best way to proceed towards the future will be to share my story. “I want to get busy living and not busy dying.”

Stay strong.  This too shall pass.